Hope in the Midst of Loss

Loss. It’s a buzz word in 2020. Loss of freedom. Loss of events. Loss of memories. Loss of______you fill in the blank.

My husband and I lost our first baby on March 30, 2020.

Many of you didn’t even know I was pregnant. We hadn’t even been able to tell our family and friends yet. My poor in-laws found out by a phone call in the middle of the night asking to take me to the ER because I was miscarrying. My parents had to find out from a Facetime call the next day that they were grandparents to a baby in heaven. We blubbered and blundered through how to tell our siblings and some family. If I’ve talked to you, I’ve contemplated how to tell you, but wasn’t sure how to bring it up. We’re okay. I’m not writing this for pity. I’m not even writing it to inform you. I’m writing it as a memory for our little one. To remember how it happened. To remember the joy, the sorrow, the excitement, and the pain. But let me back up. . .

It was a Tuesday. March 24th. I woke up knowing something wasn’t right. Joel and I were to get our first ultrasound on Friday, and I toyed with just waiting until then. But something wasn’t right, and I couldn’t get that out of my head, so I called the OB. They were very kind and helpful, assured me that it was okay, but if I got worse, to call back. I went back to work, but there was something nagging at me, so I called back in the afternoon. The nurse was again, very reassuring, but said that she wanted to talk to a doctor. There wasn’t one available at the moment, but she would give me a call back. I went back to work; after all, we were a week away from launching distance learning, and I was in the thick of helping teachers navigate the new system, working on connecting students to their accounts, setting up Chromebooks to deploy, and getting my classes put together. However, I couldn’t focus. It was a beautiful day, so I went on a walk. I grabbed my phone, and my earbuds and I listened to a playlist that I created the summer my grandfather passed away, and I was working at camp. It has songs with lyrics that include: “It’s still the Cross, it’s still the Blood, it’s still His dying act of love”; and “He is the Christ”; “I am with You says the Master, in the floods I calm and keep”; “You are God”; “As long as You are glorified”; “We will follow Christ our Lord”; “Christ is Sufficient”; “All praise to the name of the Father of light, One who listens and hears when I call”; “I need Thee every hour.” I cried and sang and prayed. I had a sense that I was losing this baby, and God and I had a real talk that if He chose to take this baby, that it was okay. He was in control, not me. The songs brought comfort and peace, but there were two songs not on this list that brought more comfort. One song I sang when I was a senior in high school for a competition, “He Maketh No Mistake” by A.M. Overton, and a song that we had sung at our wedding, “What God Ordains is Always Good.” It is amazing how God brings back memories and even orchestrates things way back when I was a senior in high school, how He knew that song would bring me comfort over a decade later. I couldn’t find the recording on iTunes to buy, so I found a YouTube video. The video has the history of the song with it, and I was amazed to find out that the song was written by a dad who lost his wife and baby in childbirth. How applicable to what was going on in my life. Now at this point, it wasn’t confirmed that I was going to lose the baby, I hadn’t seen the doctor yet, but still what comfort those words brought. The other song, “What God Ordains.” had been introduced to me at camp by two of my other leads, and it had become a favorite of ours with all the things we had to deal with in the mess of sin. I had it sung at our wedding, and now what comfort the words brought. I sat on baseball stands in our park and played that song over and over again and cried and prayed. Once I got back to the house, I got myself back to work, and I got a call from the nurse. They wanted to see me the next morning as early as possible. When Joel woke up, I looped him into everything that was going on, and due to Covid-19, he wouldn’t be allowed to come to my appointment. I wasn’t sure all that was going to happen, but I knew that an ultrasound was a possibility, so we came up with a game plan to Facetime him in if I were to have one. Let me back up again. . .

It was February. We had just come back from coaching our last basketball games of the season. Both of our teams lost, and we weren’t going on in the playoffs. We had come back from different places and were catching each other up on how the games went. I knew something was off with me the past couple days, and finally just came to grips that I needed to take a pregnancy test. I took one-positive. It didn’t surprise me, but I took another one to make sure. Yep, positive. I guess it should have surprised me; we weren’t trying. I love my job- teaching and coaching- and love working with the youth group, and not that it would stop, but it would be different- to be able to care for a baby and our child like I wanted to. So I wasn’t ready. We had come up with a game plan and an idea of what we were thinking of when, but our God is the Master Planner and had other plans for us. I got out the onesie that I had bought at the beginning of our marriage. I had had a plan for how I wanted to tell Joel for a long time. It was hockey that brought us together, and it was with hockey that I wanted to tell him. So I got out the onesie that had “Mommy loves” and “Daddy loves” and a heart that combines both Penguins and Flyers logos. Underneath it says, “but they both love me.” I was excited to tell him. I laid out the pregnancy tests with the onesie and waited for him to see it. I had to point him in the direction, but once he saw it, he was shocked. Again, this wasn’t our plan. His first concern was for me, how was I about this. He had wanted kids earlier than me, so he was making sure I wasn’t upset. No, I wasn’t upset. I was excited. God had been working on my heart over the past couple of months, and my desires were changing. I had still wanted to wait for “our plan,” but I was good. We prayed and talked for a little bit, then went on with our lives. I struggled to keep the secret, we came up with a plan to tell our parents and families at Easter time and were working on a plan to tell the Youth Group. I ordered things and started looking through baby paraphernalia and was so excited. I would smile to myself when people would ask once they found out that we had another niece or nephew on the way when it was going to be Joel’s and my turn. But we kept it a secret and kept on with our plans. So back to the story. . .

I was 10 weeks along when that Tuesday came. I went in on Wednesday, confident that my God was good and that it was going to be okay whatever I was told. The nurse got me ready, and the doctor came in. I felt bad for the doctor, I had been thrown into her schedule since I was an emergency appointment, and she didn’t know what was going on. I filled her in, and my chart filled her in, and she wanted to do an ultrasound. I asked if I could Facetime my husband; he is a nurse and worked nights and was sleeping-also with Covid restrictions couldn’t be there with me. I called him, and we got to see our child for the first time. The doctor seemed concerned though, the baby was too small for how far along I was, and she couldn’t see the heartbeat. She wanted to schedule another ultrasound a week later, but she called it a “threatened miscarriage.” I heard her but didn’t at the same time. I kinda felt in a dream. I was thankful my husband was still on the call and in a groggy state could hear what the doctor was saying. I heard her as she talked about what that meant and what would potentially happen over the next couple of days. I fought back the tears and nodded my head that I understood. I felt bad for her – here I was put on her schedule, and the first thing she had to do was deliver bad news, but I was also thankful that because I am a Christian I knew that God was going to get us through this-it was going to be okay. She checked on me and made sure I was okay and then stepped out to give me some privacy. I let the tears go, and I cried. I talked with Joel, and I cried. He just listened and comforted even though he couldn’t be there. As I checked out, I felt bad for the receptionist because she didn’t know what to say. I assured her that it was alright, and I was okay. I got in the car and held the ultrasound picture and cried for a bit. But I had places to go and things to do. So I cowboyed up and drove to school listening to my Comfort playlist. I got to school and went to help Mrs. Ludwick learn how to do distance teaching. So I took a deep breath, waved and smiled when she walked by my car and went inside to help her. It was some of the best “medicine” I could have had at the time. Technology is a passion of mine, and I enjoy teaching other people how to use it. She was the perfect personality to be with, too, because of her calm nature. I desperately wanted to tell her but knew it wasn’t the right time and wasn’t going to help accomplish anything right now. So I stayed mum and helped her and let my mind wander to my baby and God’s plans. I had a couple of other people I had to see at school, did what I needed to do-stayed distracted as much as possible- and then went home. I worked on my school and took a walk, and God brought another song to my mind “He knoweth the Way that I take”- the last lyrics are “He giveth and taketh away.” I didn’t know why God was choosing to take this baby away, but I knew and trusted in Him that it was going to be okay. My sister-in-law had her ultrasound to find out the gender of her baby the same day. And although I was okay in one sense, I wasn’t ready to see those pictures and hear how things were going in her pregnancy. Don’t get me wrong, I am thrilled to be an aunt, and I am thrilled that things were going well, I didn’t want anyone else to go through what I was, but I also couldn’t see and hear what was going on right now. I talked to Joel about wanting to name our baby-even though we didn’t know the gender. I had friends who had named their miscarried baby because of the meaning of the name rather than the name itself, and I wanted to do the same. Joel and I had looked at names prior to all this-mostly it was me sending him names and him saying no…but this was different.

On Friday, I went out to school to help pack up lockers. It was nice to see the other teachers, and again, a good distraction to what was going on inside of me. I was asked if I’d be willing to come in Monday to help distribute the bags. I said I could for a little, but I did have a video conference in the early afternoon that I had to take.-I had fun passing out the materials and seeing the families. It had been two weeks since we had seen any of them.- Friday was also his sister’s gender reveal. We had talked about even if we should go. We wanted to, but I knew it was going to be hard, and I didn’t know if I was going to make it, but I wanted to try. We prayed and asked God for strength.

Joel had the weekend off but had to work Monday. I had called my family multiple times over the last week-especially when Joel was at work, and I was home alone. I’m terrible at calling home, but working from home opened up my schedule, also unbeknownst to them, I needed to talk to them. I needed to hear them. I wanted to tell them but never did. Around 10 PM that night, things got worse. I waited out the time and did my best to cope with the pain and listened on repeat to “What God Ordains”, but it got to the point where I needed Joel. I called him-no answer. I called again and again-no answer. I knew he might be with a patient, so I waited for a text to say he’d call back or just call back… .no answer. I waited a while longer and called again-no answer. (Now, I’m not painting him as the bad guy-he was at work doing his job and I’ll get back to that in a little bit-honestly, he has been so supportive through all this and very compassionate and helpful) I contemplated calling my own mom, but then thought better of it, yes I needed her, but calling her wasn’t really going to be helpful, it would just make her worried, and although she would jump in the car in a heartbeat to come over-a four-hour trip wasn’t best at almost midnight. So I went to call Joel again, but my finger slipped, and it called my mom. I stopped that call quickly and called Joel- still no answer. It was midnight now, and I needed someone to be at the house. My in-laws live around the corner, so I texted Jordan to see if he was still up. He was but about to go to bed. I told him that I needed to talk to mom and that it was an emergency. He woke her up, and I told her what was going on. She was going to come over. Finally, I heard back from Joel. He felt awful for not being able to answer, but he had been moved to the Covid section for the first time and didn’t have pockets to hold his phone. I told him that mom was on the way over, and I was in extreme pain. He asked if he should ask a doctor if I should come in. I said, yes. He hung up to ask. He called back quickly and said yes, I should come in. Mom had just arrived, and I told her that Joel said to go to the ER. So I got in the car, and we rushed in. It is amazing to see how God worked out all the details-He really is the hero in all of this story. When I got to the ER, I had to go through the Covid screening, but then was rushed into a bed. I was the only patient in the ER at the time, and Joel was able to come down to be with me. After some tests and pain meds, everything was fine, and I was able to go home. Joel was able to come with me too. He texted his mom to let her know we were going home, and all was okay. We were home by 3. Distance learning started the next day. I woke up pretty early for going to bed around 3:30 AM. I was alert and ready to go. I was prepared for school and on my office hour at 9:30 AM as if nothing had happened just hours earlier.

And so life has continued, just doing the next thing. So why now? Why do I write this about a month later? For a couple of reasons:
1. I’ve dealt with the loss and am okay, but I think I’m finally processing it all. For those who do know, I find it helpful to talk about it, and it’s okay that you don’t know what to say, but I don’t always want to talk about it.
2. To show the incredible power of our God, who is a help in time of need. I don’t remember exactly what day, but there was a day I crawled into bed with Joel because I wasn’t okay, and I needed him. I ignored the 5,000 questions that were coming in from school and just cried in his arms. I fell asleep quoting verses because my mind was struggling with thinking lies, and I needed to think Truth. But reality was still going on, so after a while, I had to get up to take phone calls and take care of school needs.

But I have a couple other thoughts that have echoed through my mind during this time:
-I know I’m not the only mother who has gone through this.
-I know I’m not the only mother who has struggled with thinking, am I even a mom because this is the first child.
-I know I’m not the only mother who goes through the loneliness of this adventure.
-I know I’m not the only mother who has been asked when it’s going to be our turn and to deal with the hurt of that question-may I encourage those who ask that question, to stop-you don’t know what’s going on in the lives of others and this isn’t something that people just volunteer.
-I know I’m not the only mother who wishes she could hold her baby in her arms
-I know I’m not the only mother who struggles with others who freely give up their babies when I didn’t have a choice
-I know I’m not the only mother who doesn’t know really what to say.

So I hope my story brings a connection. I hope my story gives you hope. I hope my story points you to Christ. Not because of who I am, but because of who He is.

I have learned amazing truths through this too. Our God is a God of comfort. The week I lost my baby, I was doing a Bible study with the teen girls on fear and anxiety. I am not a really fearful or anxious person by nature, but the truths that were in the study were oh so applicable to what was going on. We read Psalm 55:22 “Cast thy burden upon the Lord, and He shall sustain thee” Romans 15:13 “Now the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing that ye may abound in hope, through the power of the Holy Ghost.” Isaiah 12:2 “Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust and not be afraid for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation.” Zephaniah 3:17 “The Lord thy God in the midst of thee is mighty; he will save, he will rejoice over thee with joy; he will rest in his love, he will joy over thee with singing.” Psalm 139. And lastly, with Psalm 16:8 “I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.” I have seen God answer prayers and provide things without asking. Even working from home has been a huge answer to prayer.

This story isn’t about me. It isn’t about loss; it’s about God’s gracious gift. And that is what we have named our baby-Gia. The name means “God’s gracious gift,” and he/she is just that! Our little one is in heaven right now with our Heavenly Father! Gia will never have to suffer the evils of this world. Gia is a gracious gift from God, and I never want to forget the story of our baby’s life and how God used our little one’s story. And what we consider a “loss” here on earth, is what I consider a gain in heaven.

If you’ve read this whole thing, kudos to you, but more importantly, I hope what you take away from this story is that what my God ordains is always good all the time, and He gives, and He takes away-and that’s okay! Life is a gift from God. My baby is a gracious gift from God.

 

Three songs I mentioned:
What God Ordains: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MyoIPjE6dMM
He Maketh No Mistake: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SIFcGJpCV7E
He knoweth the Way: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L2JnZLwlNpg